


Incomplete Love Story

by Alithea



Category: X/1999
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-29
Updated: 2010-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-06 19:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alithea/pseuds/Alithea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-series. A look at Karen and Kanoe in their teen years and the relationship that springs from the meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Incomplete Love Story

Kanoe never questioned her dreams in the same way that most did, because most of the time her dreams were not really her own to begin with. She tried to remember a time when her dreams were truly her own, and could not. Her older sister had told her once (in a dream of course; her older sister, Hinoto was mute, deaf, and immobile in the real world) that seeing the dreams of others was a gift. Kanoe was not sure she could see it that way. Gifts were a dangerous thing to have. Having a gift meant that one day if she were not careful men in black suits would come in the middle of the night and take her away. And she refused to allow herself to be taken and hidden. She would never be a slave to her gifts, not ever.

As she sat in class she began to daydream. Her eyes were focused outside on the blue sky, but her mind was silently dipping into the dreams of those around her. Some of the boys in her class were utter perverts. She grinned as she conceded that some of the girls were as well. She brought herself back and stared down at her book reading quickly to catch up with the lesson. Daydreaming though, had already taught her everything she really needed to know.

The bell rang and in her relief she stood up and began the slow walk to her dormitory. She had to hand it to her parents for originality in dealing with a troubled youth. Sending her off to a Catholic school in the middle of no where was sure to set her on the right path. But there was only one path she was on, only one thing she wanted in life really, and that was her big sister. She wanted her sister back and her juvenile mind could only think of a few ways to achieve that.

Her attempts had been futile thus far and had, of course, gotten her into a great deal of trouble with authority figures. So instead of trying to talk about things and perhaps ask her what her problem was or why she was trying to break into government buildings, her parents had lovingly placed her at St. Catherine's Boarding School. At least it was a co-ed facility.

The second her parents had left her there she hoped that their car would explode on the way home. She would have wound up in some sort of orphanage, but at least that way she'd never have to deal with parents, who were, in her opinion, worthless. She hated them with divine passion, but nevertheless whenever she got the chance she would visit their dreams. She wanted to see what secrets their minds held, and she was hardly surprised when she found that they never thought of her or her sister at all. They did not dream of the sadness of losing a daughter to the government, or to a boarding school. They dreamed about themselves and that was when Kanoe learned another part of her powers. She could manipulate dreams as well if she wanted to, and when she first succeeded in making her mother wake up in giant sobs and endless tears she felt quite vindicated.

Her older sister though, was not pleased with her. Hinoto didn't understand anything. Hinoto could only see the possibility of good in someone and so Kanoe had decided she didn't want to speak with her sister for a while. It made her hurt, but she was stubborn and just could not give in.

Kanoe had made some friends at the school. She had been there for about a year and a half and started to pick up on how to be a charming person. Eventually she wanted to add seductive to that descriptive sentence, but charming would do for the present time. She was a charming intelligent popular girl. She got good grades and in one letter that read like a dirty confession from her father was, "making her parents proud". She could take a compliment though. She was all about accepting the surface words that people gave her in the daylight hours, because she could sneak into a dream and discover the hidden feelings, and most importantly the truth about any statements made about her or to her.

When she finally reached her dorm she noticed a small commotion outside of the room next to her own. A group of girls were preparing to show, what appeared to be, an unwanted new comer the true cattiness of the girl's side of the campus. She watched the way the girl who was being picked on was concentrating very hard. Her gaze moved down to the girl's fist that was beginning to spark. She quirked an eyebrow and stepped into the fray. She shot the leader of the group a nasty glare.

"Is there a problem here?"

The other girls looked down at the floor in slight guilt and began to shake their heads.

Kanoe was one of the really popular girls. She went to great lengths to make sure she was. So even though she was in no way senior to some of the girls standing there, she was far more powerful.

"If there isn't a problem then you should probably let her unpack? Don't you think so?"

There was a round of nods and then the crowd dispersed. She watched them flee and considered what she should do about them. She shrugged and began to walk away.

"Thank you for that," a voice said. It was stronger than expected. It made Kanoe wonder why the girl hadn't been fighting back.

"You're welcome, but I doubt you really were in need of my help."

"Sometimes fighting back isn't worth the ultimate outcome. Besides as we are taught...it's better to turn the other cheek."

Kanoe waited for a hint of something that she was not going to receive and so, not sure what to do next, she nodded and went into her room.

Lucid thoughts come on like dreams  
With bitter words to patch the seams  
The ache that dwells just under my skin  
Would quell from the fires you start within  
I want an out into the realness of the world  
Is it such a sin to wish we could just be normal little girls

Two months passed by and it was amazing the kind of things that could happen in that time. While Kanoe was taking an interest in dating some forgettable boy on the student council she also took a fancy to one of the girls on the water polo team. It was very hard to handle two very different types of relationships at once, but she found as she indulged that there was something to be said for leaving all options for companionship open. There was a small incident with a teacher that quite frankly landed the adult in some very hot water, but Kanoe did not forgive when she was slighted (and she could work wonders with paperwork). She found a skill in researching. She was very good at it when she wanted to be. If someone needed something she could find it in almost no time. And while the thought of becoming a life long secretary was not exactly the most appealing, she could not deny that she would have a knack for it. It was never too soon to start considering career options.

She ended up breaking things off with both the boy and the girl after a while though. It was nice, but there were other fish in the sea and then... Then of course there was the annoying fact that if she started to get too involved with someone it was harder for her to concentrate on jumping into dreams. If someone preoccupied her mind too much then almost by default she would end up in that person's dreams. There was only so much fun in watching a single person's dreams. It was hardly worth it even if she could practice manipulating the dreams into something else. She needed to be able to flit effortlessly through the dreams of others, because eventually she'd be able to find out exactly where her sister was being kept. She had to find a way to free her sister, and the dreams of others would provide that for her. In dreams there would be freedom, freedom from everything that the real world took away.

Kanoe had been having a rather bad day. She blamed it on the letter she received from her parents. Apparently the government felt it was necessary to further secure Hinoto away from the rest of the world, and so they had told her parents that she was dead. Kanoe knew it was not true. Even though she had not spoken with her sister for a long time in the dream realm she knew it was not true, because she could close her eyes and feel her sister out there. She was out there somewhere hidden from the world, probably in some underground lair. She tore the letter apart and then could not help but to do something she had not done in years.

She cried.

She was so happy that she was far away from most of the student body, having made a point to take a long walk so that she could read the letter in complete privacy. She hated crying. She hated shedding tears because it brought about all the wrong kind of attention. Her knuckles were getting white as she clutched her fists together tightly.

She hated them.

She hated her parents.

They were so stupid for believing. They were so foolish for trusting that letter they had received, or the phone call, or even if someone had personally come down to the house. She didn't care. She hated them. She could not see from her rage. She wished so hard there was a way she could punish them appropriately, but there was nothing. There was nothing she could do, and even if she could she questioned if she really would. She wasn't sure. She wanted them to suffer and deep inside there was a voice that told her that they would suffer all the more being alive than if they just died. Yes, if they lived they would have to live with the guilt all the time. But another part of her, the really bitter part, that part that was growing with everyday, well hidden by her charming smile, that part of her whispered and hissed with anger that her parents wouldn't feel anymore guilt than they already did. It said they wouldn't change. It said that her parents would always be selfish. They would only see what had been promised to them.

With a long and slow breath she made the attempt to calm herself down. She had started to choke out sobs and she was sure if she didn't try and breathe she'd pass out from hyperventilating. She didn't need for anyone to find her all alone and unconscious that was just asking for trouble.

She sank to the ground and closed her brown eyes. She put her hand to her face and then began wiping the tears slowly away. She sniffed and brushed her hair back. After a moment or two she pulled herself up and began to walk back towards the school. She was sure she still looked as if she had been crying, but after all, as far as anyone knew, her sister had just passed away.

She tried not to think of her parents as she walked. She tried not to think of the funeral she would be forced to attend. It was the final straw in her book. No matter what it took she was going to free her sister. She would do anything even if it meant destroying the planet, and there was a second when she thought she might regret making that vow.

As she approached the school she noticed another gathering of girls bullying someone. She tried not to be surprised when the girls were bullying that same girl from before. She stopped. She wasn't in the mood for anyone. She pulled the leader of the little pack back by her hair and then proceeded to lay into the older girl with a punch that would leave what she would always regard as the most beautiful black eye she had ever seen. The other girls scampered off leaving only the three there.

"If you pick on anyone ever again," Kanoe said in the soft voice of rage that was not to be trifled with, "I will make sure everyone knows about the things you do when you are alone in the chapel."

The girl was already beginning to sob.

Kanoe redirected herself to the redhead that was brushing the leaves and dirt away from her skirt.

"And you..."

The girl looked up at her.

"You should defend yourself, especially if you have the God given power to do so."

She stomped off.

The redhead looked at the other girl who was still sobbing on the ground. She offered the girl out a hand, and it was received warily.

"We'd better get you to the nurse's office soon. You'll really want to ice that eye of yours."

Here and there we find our way  
In the dark with our hearts  
And for all the power you gain in anger  
So I gain my own as I forgive  
As I gain my own learning to live

The nurse's office was extremely quiet and Sister Margot, the nurse on duty, was in the middle of putting away some supplies when the redhead entered. The sister looked up with a smile and then grimaced when she saw the other girl.

"So, Karen, what's happened here?"

Karen looked at the girl's swelling eye and then said with a shrug, "She was standing just a little too close to where some boys were playing baseball. Those line drives can be killers."

The nun quirked an experienced eyebrow and replied, "I'll bet."

Sister Margot attended to the young woman with the black eye and then sent her off to her dorm room. As the girl left she sighed and gave Karen a disappointed look. The redhead sighed and rolled her eyes in response.

"Oh I know it wasn't you. She's had it in for you since you arrived," Sister Margot stated quickly and took a seat on a near by chair. "So who saved you this time?"

Karen chewed nervously on her bottom lip. She knew that the sister was not about to go and reprimand anyone. Sister Margot was a very understanding person. Still, she hesitated and she was not quite sure the reason why.

"It was the same girl as before."

"Still no name to the face? Don't you think you should introduce yourself properly?"

"I suppose but... She helped me, but she didn't seem happy about it."

"Oh?"

"She said that I should use my God given power to defend myself."

The sister's eyes went wide and she replied, "Oh. Are you worried she knows about-"

"What? Oh no. It's just that...I don't know what it is."

"I think the girl probably has a point." She smiled and patted Karen's hand. "I know you're a very special girl. You have a destiny to follow and a path that has been laid before you, but it wouldn't kill you to stand up for yourself kiddo."

Karen sighed, "But when I get angry-"

"I know, I know Father told me all about it. Still, I know you have been working on control and well, I suppose you know your own limits." The sister got up and walked over to a cabinet and pulled out an instant icepack. She walked back over to Karen and handed it over to her. "Your savior has one mean right hook, but, even so, she might be feeling a little sore right about now."

The red head quirked and eyebrow and said, "Trying to get me to make friends?"

"Trying to get you to live your life. Even people with grand destinies are allowed that to some degree."

Karen took the ice pack and left the nurse's office. She took a deep breath and sauntered towards the dorms.

I think I know where you are  
I've been there before  
It takes all the light from your world  
It pushes you back into the dark  
And you're feeling as if you don't have a heart  
I found my way out of that cold night  
I found my way as I followed a light  
And it is all I need, and it is all I have  
It is where I run when everything turns bad

Karen had a knack for attracting bullies ever since she was very young. In a way she supposed that it started with her mother, but she didn't like to blame. She had been an angry girl for a long time, and then the church came into her life and things weren't ever the same. She was not so sure about grand destinies, but she knew she had a power and that that power should be used for good in the world. She was an orphan raised and cared for by the Holy Catholic Church and she was grateful for the kindness. She was grateful for the chance to live, and in her mind prove to her departed mother that she was not the child of the devil. Words like that had stuck into her skin and showed up as invisible scars when she looked into the mirror.

She wondered if she was picked on because others could sense that she was different. On some level she was sure it was just because she was considered different on a more external level. Her flame red hair was not something that was exactly easy to get rid of, not to mention the fact that she was an orphan. She was never sure how that made a difference to people, but there were times when children could be quite cruel.

Her rage was something that she had learned to control, not just out of spiritual need, but for the safety of others around her as well. She had dwelled in dark places at a very young age and now at sixteen she was leveling off at being a rather easy going person. Some would say too easy going, and maybe she was, because she was afraid of her power sometimes. She wondered if she'd ever really have it under control, but she had to have faith. If she shut her eyes she could feel her belief standing like beacon and it was that that would carry her through.

Karen stood outside the door of the girl's room for a few nervous seconds and then knocked gently. She decided not to wait for a reply and poked her head in. The girl was sitting on her bed dark eyes red from possible tears (she wondered from what). Karen waved the icepack and was wordlessly given permission to enter. She handed the icepack over to the girl who took it with a grimace and set it down on her hand wincing slightly from the pain.

"Don't you think you'd better go to the nurse," Karen asked.

The girl arched an eyebrow and replied, "I'm not sure I can turn my hand into a baseball that quickly."

"You heard already?"

"This school is much smaller than it seems from the outside, and a good piece of gossip is hard to ignore."

Karen bit at her lip and then smiled and said, "Well, I um... wanted to say thank you, for helping me...again."

The girl shrugged and brushed back her long black hair with her free hand. The other was a little red, but seemed to be fine, or at least Karen hoped it was. She looked the girl over and recognized the face of distress, and tears that were tired of being shed as the girl looked away after a while. She didn't want to pry, but sometimes it was easy for people to talk with strangers about things.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm brilliant," was the sardonic reply. She rolled her eyes at her rude behavior and then said, "Sorry, I've had a rough day. I'm Kanoe by the way."

She took the girl's free hand and shook it gently, "Karen Kasumi."

"Nice to meet you."

"You really are mad that I wasn't fighting back?"

"If you don't fight for yourself who will fight for you?"

The redhead grinned, "Well apparently you will." Karen stood up and fixed her skirt and said, "Well, I have to go it's getting late and well... you know how it is?"

"I do."

"I hope to see you around."

"I think it's safe to say that you might bump into me in some very unexpected places."

Wrap me up in your dreams  
Make it better than it seems  
Give me something to believe in  
Something that goes passed destiny  
Something that drives away the dark  
Wrap me up in your dreams  
Make it better than it seems  
Oh I think I could ask you to love me  
If only I wasn't so afraid of what it means

It was a dream.

Kanoe recognized the dream plains very well. She wondered when she had fallen asleep, and more importantly she wondered where she was. She turned around and sitting behind her in the middle of a magic circle was her sister. At first she thought she might be having her own dream for once, but then she realized that the dream was not truly her own. Her sister looked up at her and tried, weakly, to smile.

Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. "That was a little rude don't you think? Dragging me into your dream like this, isn't that a little, oh I don't know, hypocritical?"

Hinoto looked away and then said, "I just wanted you to know that-"

"I was perfectly aware that you were still alive. I'm not an idiot, those would be our parents."

"I wish you wouldn't-"

"And I wish you'd do yourself a favor and just leave. It's appalling that you'd allow yourself to become trapped into helping others like this! They never even gave you a choice! They just took you!" She'd been holding those thoughts in for a while and in a dream it was hard not to speak the truth. She shut her eyes and sighed heavily. Then she looked over at her sister and said sadly, "Could you at least change the scenery? This place is depressing."

The dream shifted and the two sisters were suddenly on a beautiful grassy hill over looking a valley filled with flowers as the sun set in the distance. Kanoe admired the view and her sister's talent. She straightened out her school skirt and then sat next to her sister. She fought against the urge and then lost as she embraced her older sibling and started to cry. Hinoto stroked her hair and patted her back.

"I don't think I could ever make you understand why I stay here," Hinoto whispered. "But I wish you would try."

"And I wish the same. Sometimes I think we're like opposite sides of the same coin, and I'm not sure we'll ever understand each other's reasons." Kanoe lay down to rest her head in her sister's lap. She looked out at the view and whispered, "It's a beautiful place. Where did you find it?"

"In you. It's in your memories."

"I don't remember ever being-" She stopped and then said, "I don't think I want to know, Hinoto."

"I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner, but it seemed like you didn't want me around...at least for a while."

"I was angry with you. I'm still-"

"Yes, I know. Mother and father should have come and told you in person. I don't like that lie but it makes things easier."

Kanoe gritted her teeth and said, "Only for them. I have no wish to attend your funeral."

Hinoto sighed because there was nothing for her to say. They lingered in the silence of the dream and then the elder whispered sadly, "It's time to wake up Kanoe. It's time to go back to the waking world my little sister."

Kanoe held on tightly to her sister even though she could feel the dream fading. She grasped at the white robe only to have her eyes flutter open to the soft call of the morning. It always felt like a betrayal when she woke from those dreams. She felt utterly powerless when her sister would send her back and make her wake.

It was going to be a terrible day. She could feel it deep inside, but she got up and she put on a fresh uniform. She combed her hair, brushed her teeth, and grabbed her books. Her parents were probably going to show up and drag her off to the funeral. It made her angry just thinking about it. She wished she could get out of having to go. She wished, but she knew it was in vain. And Hinoto had dragged her off into a dream to let her know that she was alright and that everything was fine, but her older sister did not understand that seeing her just made things worse. It just made her feel all the more angry and lost. The bitter edge, that part of her that was all hate leapt up with a grin to say, "I told you so."

Before she could leave for her first class there was a knock on her door. One of the sisters poked her head in and Kanoe knew everything she did not want was already waiting for her.

Oh leave me lonely I can live that way  
Leave me broken and lost at sea  
Why should you save me  
Why would you dare  
It's not as if others haven't tried before so why do you care  
I'd like to linger where I won't fade away  
I'd like to vanish into a brighter day  
But you'll come on gently  
You'll smile and make me sigh  
Oh you'll leave me lonely  
But only in the most harmful way

The funeral did not go well.

Kanoe's mother and father got roaring drunk and argued endlessly amid tears. Kanoe did not help matters, not that she really did anything to escalate them, although she certainly would have liked to. It was just sadly pathetic watching her parents. She was happy when she was finally taken back to the school. Her parent's paid for her cab at least. She supposed that was all she could hope for from them. They were so weak. She marveled at how such weak people could have produced such powerful daughters.

She grimaced.

Hinoto would always be more powerful than she was.

Her dorm room was filled with unwanted sympathy cards and flowers. She wished she had a blow torch to destroy the false sentiment. She opened all the cards and glanced at them, but did not dare to read them. It didn't matter, they would all say the same things. She sighed and looked over to her window. There was a bundle of daisies and a card that stood out as separate from the rest. She stepped over and picked up the card. It was just a plain white note card. It did not say anything and was simply signed: Karen.

Her dark eyes shut and she fought the pang of emotion that threatened her dignity. Her sister was not really dead she knew that, but even if she was nothing could have said more than that single blank note card. What else could be said, but what everyone said, and everyone said, "I'm sorry."

Karen, who had not known her at all, seemed to be the only person who understood anything about loss.

The night was long. She did her best not to hide away from people. A few of her friends stopped by and consoled her. A few ex-boyfriends and girlfriends did the same. But the whole evening was just one big pity party that Kanoe did not need. She did not need pity or care. She needed something else entirely. She needed someone who really understood.

When she fell asleep she knew exactly where she was going to go. And the dream she entered was more of a remembered nightmare. So she did exactly what she said she would not do and pulled the redhead away from the dream she was having.

Karen blinked in confusion and then said, "I'm dreaming."

"You are."

Karen turned her attention towards Kanoe who was sitting on the floor near a closet door. Her fiery brown eyes sparking with a touch of anger as the girl hugged a dream version of her stuffed bear.

"I hope you don't mind," Kanoe said softly. "I found him in the closet. I needed something to hold onto."

"This is weird."

"Not really. It's not your fault, you know."

Karen was confused. "What isn't?"

The memory played in the distance of the dream. The memory of that day her mother died. The memory of the words that made her feel worthless. She looked away and towards Kanoe who was looking miserable herself.

"Is that why you don't fight back? You're afraid of what you'll do? But it wasn't your fault... I mean it's never our fault. Why let it haunt you?"

"I just...I don't want it to happen ever again."

Karen stepped closer to the door and then sat next to Kanoe. The brunette handed the teddy bear over and it was accepted with a smile.

"Thank you for the flowers," Kanoe said. "I'm sorry for being here, but I think you and I understand each other."

"This is a weird dream."

The other girl grimaced, "It's not nearly as odd as you would think, although I have to say that fire is a far more practical power to be granted."

"You're a... You're a dream seer?"

Kanoe shook her head. "No, dream seers tell the future. I can't see into the future with my dreams. My sister calls me a dream walker, sort of the same premise only I just come in and out of other people's dreams." She pulled her knees into her chest, "You'll have to forgive me for intruding. Most times I just watch others' dreams but I... I didn't like the dream you were having."

The redhead smirked, "So you'll come to my rescue even in my dreams then?"

"I can but... They are your dreams, Karen. You don't have to have any special powers to learn to control your own dreams. Even in a dream you should try standing up for yourself."

"I-"

Kanoe shrugged almost shyly. She chalked it up to emotional stress. There wasn't anything else she was prepared to let it be. She sighed and looked off in the distance.

"Time to wake up Karen, I'll see you in the real world, and I hope... this is a dream you'll remember."

Could it be that you'd deny me  
Oh I think I know why I chose you  
But the reasons conflict with everything else inside me  
The reasons get lost in what I know to be destiny  
It's so cruel this world  
It takes everything from us  
In this life, in this time  
We are not free  
We are tied together by a greater plan  
We aren't even given half a chance

The dream had been remembered. It was remembered in the way that Karen felt she needed to seek Kanoe out, and once found Kanoe was happy (in an outwardly dismissively way) to be sought.

They were not fast friends. They were slow and quiet friends. They were the kind of friends who one day looked at each other and felt utterly content to have the other near. It built from a common understanding, and after a while that quiet friendship was expanded. They were practically inseparable at times and Kanoe's boyfriends would find themselves growing jealous of something that was plainly nothing more than friendship. But as all things do, the friendship eventually met with a line. It was that fine line where friendship ended and something deeper began. They started skirting the edges of it and then one day found them selves hopelessly falling all the way in.

They had gone for a long walk. They usually went on long walks. They started along the long loop around the school's property, and often they did not get very far out, however the point of the walk was never to get all the way around. The point was to have time to themselves and talk about everything and nothing. They lingered on the meaning of dreams. They argued about faith. They laughed over silly jokes that only made sense to them. They flirted in that unsure and secret way that could easily be recalled as something other than what it was.

On that particular day the girls had managed to get fairly far out around the school. Kanoe trudged up a hill behind Karen muttering something about the small hike. The redhead chuckled at the complaint. Reaching the top they stopped and looked out over the view from where they had come from, and then they turned to see what was ahead of them. Kanoe stood breathless at the sight.

"What's wrong?"

Her dark brown eyes blinked back against the memory, "I've seen this place before...in a...in a dream. It was my sister's dream but..." She trailed off and smiled. Her sister had pulled it from her memory and she had already said she didn't want to know. It was a lovely surprise, but the joy of it still cut into parts of her.

"Are you okay?" The voice was marked with concern that was brushed away as her friend smiled and then shrugged.

There was a large tree there and they sat beneath it for a rest. The sun filtered in from between the branches and littered the ground with abstract shadows and pieces of light. Kanoe was resting her back against the tree trunk. She thought of how easy it would be for her to just fall asleep there, but she did not need a dream. Karen was resting against her hands, and then she leaned back to lay her head in her friend's lap.

"Don't fall asleep," Kanoe said.

"I won't I just want to..." Her cheeks flushed slightly and she turned to look towards the scenery. "I think it's a beautiful view."

Kanoe was not someone who was ever at a point to deny herself what she wanted. She always got what she was looking for, and was unafraid to have to work for it. However, what she sensed from her friend and what she felt from within herself was something she was not sure she could take. It was what she wanted of course, but she saw the line that was being drawn and it made everything a mess. She was starting to really care. She was opening her heart and she knew she shouldn't be. Loving led to heartache, but she could feel the tug. She felt it coming from Karen as well, that battle from within the self, the battle against wanting. And was wanting so bad that it had to be quelled? Did she have to silence her heart for fear?

If what she was feeling had been the mere shimmer of lust she would have said that wanting should be quelled. She knew lust. She knew it very well. She entered dreams and saw it. She caught it off wisps of daydreams. She felt it surging off most of the students in the school. Recognized the tint of it on the faculty and saw it repressed and snuffed like candle light. Lust was passing. Lust faded quickly once it was giving in to. It never lasted. But love... Love was different. Love went deeper. Love lingered in the heart and the body with an ache. It rarely ever left even when it faded. There was always a part, a spot on the heart that remembered it. Love hurt like nothing else because there was always the fear of betrayal, or rejection, of...Destiny.

Kanoe wasn't sure why that should make any difference, but somewhere deep inside next to her bitterness it appeared. It was there and it gave a warning nod that she had a destiny to fulfill, and that her destiny was something that was too big to be ignored. She took the warning in. She felt it bite at her skin and then she backed it into a cage because she did not have time to fear. She would never have a chance like this again.

"Karen?"

The girl turned back to look up at Kanoe's face.

The kiss descended and was as the soft brush of butterfly wings. It engulfed with a feeling that was so light and yet it broke through walls. It ate up inhibition, but only for a moment. It only ever lasted for a moment because the kiss broke and the pull of the world came around to destroy everything that was wonderful and beautiful about it.

They pulled apart, blinking back and on the verge of terror. And Kanoe was prepared for anything, because that was the moment of fight or flight. That was the moment when she was either going to be pushed away or embraced. She always let herself believe she would be pushed away, that way when the opposite happened she could find a little triumph (and she had a few wonderful triumphs under her belt).

Karen blinked.

Kanoe held her breath.

The world swung into motion again as the redhead moved up to claim the lips above her. And for once Kanoe did not feel the triumph. She felt wholly relieved.

We're drowning in a world that won't let us be  
Daring a path that will disappear  
I'd like to believe we'll be able to last  
I'd like to believe these days together will be forever  
But forever is a long way off  
Forever loses its way under the weight of fate  
This world pushed us together  
It gives us this moment to learn something  
A lesson we will always have to carry  
And I fear exactly what this world is daring to show me

Karen knew how she felt. She was never confused about the emotion itself, but she often wondered over the context in which the emotion was being felt. The moment she was in made her think back to before she had arrived at the school and that boy she had really liked, and she knew it was just a crush. She knew, but he felt something deeper and that something erupted into sadness when she had to leave. She felt sorry for that boy, but the truth was she just had a crush and she knew she would have to leave. She always would have to leave and go somewhere else. The church was in a habit of moving her about and sending her off to different places where she could learn to master her gift. She knew how she felt and what she was feeling for Kanoe was big. It felt hugely intimidating and it bumped up against things she had been taught, and was arguing with what she knew the church believed. She felt and she was not confused by the exact emotion, but she was uncertain about the circumstances.

Kanoe was sort of the grand mistress of hiding her feelings, except Karen found that there were some things that the girl just could not hide at all. For example to mention Kanoe's parents was to ask for a slew of anger (perhaps not expressed out loud but in her mannerisms), but to mention her sister was the prelude to happiness and sadness all bundled up closely together. It was not easy to read, but it was there and Karen could never help but to notice. And she noticed probably a lot more than Kanoe wanted her to.

She knew how Kanoe felt about her and coupling that with her own feelings made her need to seek out a type of advise that only certain people can give and so that was why she sat in the uncomfortable chair in Sister Margot's office and chewed at her bottom lip while the nun sat across from her waiting patiently for something to be said.

The older woman looked at the clock after about twenty minutes and then shook her head with a sigh. "Come on kiddo, something's on your mind. Spill it."

The redhead mulled over the offer and squirmed in her seat. Her fingers started to play with the ends of her uniform skirt and then she sighed and said in a tone that was less sure than she actually felt, "I think I like someone."

"Okay, that's a start."

"I kissed them."

The sister shifted in her chair and nodded.

"And I..." She felt so silly. She shouldn't have such a hard time with something so easy, especially when she knew exactly where she stood on the matter. Still, part of her was fighting for silence and it was not for fear of what the woman across from her would think. It was not from the thought that she would be admonished, but it came from somewhere deeper. It spoke of destiny and of distance. It was all about what was to come and not what was right before her. That part of her was winning. She sighed and then said, "I'm not sure I can do this?"

Sister Margot quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Falling in love isn't a crime kiddo."

"No, but when you fall in love with the wrong person?"

"And what's the wrong person? Listen, when I was young, I know it's a shock, but I was once... When I was young I fell in love. I fell in love with my God, and I knew that what I wanted to do with my life was to serve Him. I wanted to help others come to love Him as I did. I wanted to be in service. You know what my mother said to me when I told her that?"

Karen shook her head.

"She said I was crazy and too young to make that kind of choice."

"How old were you?"

"I was twelve, and you know maybe I was too young to be making those kinds of bold statements, but I knew. And when I was old enough to enter a convent I did so, but with out most of my family's blessing. The thing is, kiddo, only you know what's right for you and He has a plan for you, and sometimes it's off the beaten path of what everyone else believes. Besides it could just be that you're too young and it's just a phase." Sister Margot gave a conspiratory wink.

"You're really something you know that?"

"An old spit fire that's what I am. Now, I know you have some thinking to do and whatever you decided to do I'm certain Kanoe will understand."

Karen grinned. "I would ask how you know, but then-"

"I'm just a nun Karen, and nuns are human, but... I'm not blind."

There was a slight feeling of relief as she left the office and headed back towards her room. She was not given the answer. She was only left with the plain fact that in the end the choice was always in her. That was the blessing and curse of human nature, all the choosing and trying to decide what the right thing was to do. In the end all she had was what she felt, and she was sure she did not want to deny herself.

There are times I look at you  
And it leaves me feeling blue  
I'm quite certain we'll be through  
When this love song ends  
Then again I can't deny  
How wonderful I feel inside  
And everyday is mid July  
When you are near  
So I will take the hope I found  
Wear it like some king's crown  
And pray that you don't knock it down  
When this love song ends

The moments she liked best were those just before falling asleep, those moments when she was being held, or doing the holding, because those were the moments when she felt safe and Kanoe had not felt safe for a very long time. She would fight, as she would begin to dose, against slipping into Karen's dreams. She wanted the redhead to have some freedom from her. She wanted there to be a sacred space where not every emotion was known or felt. It was a hard thing to learn to do, and if she was really tired or really upset she always failed and was planted in the comfort of something that Karen was dreaming. She did not interfere with the dreams, even when they threatened to become really bad. She would sit in the corners of the dreams and hold the red head's teddy bear close to her, hoping for morning.

They never slept in the same bed often. The way things were at the school it was practically impossible to get away with, but every other week if they could manage it one or the other would sneak out of her room and into the other's. They would snuggle in close and whisper to each other and then maybe there would be a kiss, and after that sleep would settle in.

The Christmas Holiday had begun with a jolting exercise in will power between her parents and herself. She tried not scream when her parents called to politely suggest that she stay at the school over the holiday. They said it was because it would be easier and she never fully understood the reason. She did not really want to be with them anyway, but she did want them to at least tell her the truth.

The truth was heart breaking and it left her feeling numb, but the truth was simple at least. She did not need a dream to find it. It was all over the way they spoke, and it was very clear that her parents just did not want her near. She was a reminder of all they had let themselves lose. She was unwanted and she refrained from calling them selfish over the phone. She refrained from crying because she made herself believe that she had already seen it coming. All that she cared about was that her parents kept paying for her school.

Karen gave her some consoling, but ultimately was at a loss for what to say and that was fine. The silence of kind of understanding was enough.

Christmas Eve was spent dining with some of the staff and a few of the sisters, and then after dinner there was a nice long walk in the cold followed by book reading and cuddling in Kanoe's room.

She was resting her head in Karen's lap fighting against closing her eyes until finally she gave in and fell into sleep. She could still distantly feel the way the redhead was stroking her long dark hair and then it faded as the dream pulled into focus. She did not wonder where she had gone. She could feel her sister's presence all around her and so she waited until Hinoto finally appeared, sitting, ever in her magic circle.

Kanoe stepped over to her and smiled uncomfortably. Her sister looked up at her in wonder.

"You came," Hinoto said with some surprise.

"Of course I did but... You did not call me here, did you?

"I did not. Your powers are growing, I suppose."

She grimaced and then sighed, "No, I think maybe it's just the...holidays."

"You know they do love you even if-"

"Please," she interrupted as quickly as she could. "Please don't talk about them. I'm tired of caring about them and I... I'd rather not argue with you over it."

Hinoto nodded and the scenery changed. They were sitting on a bench in some park with a large iced over pond as the snow fell around them. It was odd to be in such a setting without feeling a chill, but it suited the season. Quiet over took them in the comfortable way that it had a habit of doing, and then broke as the older of the two sighed.

"What?"

"Your friend thinks you should wake up, but she's not sure she should be waking because you apparently have not been sleeping as well as you used to."

Kanoe folded her arms over her chest and sank further back into the bench. "I suppose I've been keeping myself awake more often than not these days."

"You love her."

She froze.

She could feel something coming from her sister. She could feel it like a stab in the back. She got the sensation every so often. It happened when Hinoto wanted to share the future with her. Kanoe did not want to know. If her sister had not always been so accurate about the future she envisioned they never would have been separated. She did not like the future. She much preferred the present, the moment they lived right then. Too much care in the future meant that nothing was really free. It meant that there was no choice, only destiny, and Kanoe wanted to believe more than anything that it was possible to change things. It had to be possible to keep certain dreams from coming true.

She swallowed and said, "I really do. So much so that I'm quite sure I'll never have room left to love anyone else. I think my heart only has room for you and for...her. We... understand each other."

"I see." It was too sad, the tone she took. It was so foreboding and it was cutting so that it was leaving little marks.

"Don't tell me the future, Hinoto. I don't want to know. You think you're going to save me some heartache by telling me in advance, but you don't seem to understand that all it does is make things worse. What's the point of knowing the future if it can not be avoided?"

"I understand that, Kanoe, but you have to know about her...you have to understand that-"

She sprang up from her seat. She closed her eyes tightly and then opened them. "I have to understand? I... have to understand? What? What do I have to understand? I have to understand that she'll leave this school and we won't see each other again? I have to understand that she'll find someone else? I have to understand that she's going to die? But I don't Hinoto. I don't have to understand that. I don't have to know that if it doesn't change anything. I don't have to know any of it. You tell me to make me understand, but all I end up understanding is that nothing good comes to us. Nothing changes, except..." She let out a sigh and then sighed, "Don't you see when you tell me... it only changes me."

"Kanoe you-"

She refused to cry. She was too tired for that. "All I've ever wanted was the people I love, but the people I love, Hinoto... the people I love keep doing things that leave me feeling raw and lost. You tell me because you love me, and you love me enough to keep cutting at me with a future I can not change. But I want it to change and our... Our parents are the same way, you know? They cut and cut until I'm just all wounded and bloody with what I've been left with. And I'm left with nothing but blackness, bitterness. I'm left with nothing but maybe the hope... And I love her, but I know she'll have to leave me. She'll have to because of what she can do, just like you. At least her choices are her own. At least I know she'll mean it when she tells me that she will miss me."

Hinoto looked away sadly. She was going to say something more, but then a black veil came down between her sister and herself. It was becoming a solid wall.

"Once again," Kanoe said sadly her voice fading as she continued, "I must ask that you not pull me into your dreams for I shall not be seeking you out when I close my eyes at night. I love you sister. For everything in this life that will change about me... never doubt that all I do... is for you."

The dream faded away and Kanoe woke in tears that even Karen did not know how to wipe away though she tried her hardest to. After a very long time she had quieted enough to feel comfortable again. She pulled the redhead close to her in the bed. She listened to the sound of the girl's heart racing and she exhaled a breath of relief.

"Will you be alright?"

"For as long as I can have you near, I think I will be."

Destiny is cruel  
It pulls us in two  
It separates and changes us  
It creates new paths to follow  
But for tonight  
I am living in the now  
And when at last I fall  
As Destiny seems to want me to  
To the dark and bitter edges  
As it longs to cut me in two  
Let me stem it off  
Let me dream on my own  
Of a future that will not come true  
Of a future spent loving and holding you

End.


End file.
